


Little Boy Blue

by sparkstarthetrashcan



Series: Jack be Nimble [3]
Category: Spider-Man (Ultimateverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angry Miles Morales, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Bulimia, Clones, Experimentation, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Human Experimentation, Hurt Miles, It's sorta justified, Medical Experimentation, Miles needs a hug, Panic Attacks, Past Kidnapping, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Ultimates have no idea how to handle Miles, Unethical Experimentation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-06-13 07:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15358842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkstarthetrashcan/pseuds/sparkstarthetrashcan
Summary: "He wouldn't listen to me! None of them listened to me! I may have been the one to make the final decisions that made me get... but I went to everyone! I talked to them! All of them talked down and treated me exactly like they are now!"I panted, lungs straining and throat burning. I hadn't shouted like that in months, but this time I had no tube to soothe the pain.Miles has been set free after five years with Hydra, who had used him like a guinea pig to do whatever they pleased with.The Ultimates feel guilty after everything that has happened and try to help him. He doesn't want their help, especially when their kind of help does more harm than good.His friends and family just wants him to get better.He just wants to be in control. Even if that control means pushing everyone away.How do you help someone when everything you do pushes them further away?DISCONTINUED





	1. New Beginnings, Old Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one should have to deal with my mental health. I didn't want to deal with it, so no one would.

They were gone.

They had been gone for - by my guesses - at least three days, maybe four. And I had no idea why.

There had been more shouting, panicked, stressed, disbelieving voices than normal just outside of my cold, cramped room. Or, at least it was cold in the-

That didn't matter anymore.

It has been two days since I had been able to hear anything outside of here, outside of my room.

For once in who knew how long the aches in my fingers, my arms, my legs, my neck, my body... wasn't there. It had been strange when the ache had slowly started to fade - again, by my guesses - twelve or so hours ago. And now it was gone.

It wasn't normal, they should have come back. They _would_ be back if only to make sure I was still in pain, still helpless.

But it was an opportunity, and I had found them impossibly rare around here.

It was the first opportunity in a long time to do something about here, about where I was. Ha, I could only make guesses at how long I had been here, but I looked the same and I wanted to hope that maybe it had been a couple of months, maybe close to a year. The weird hours the scienti- the people kept had helped that naive, hopeful part of my brain rationalise that it wasn't that long since I had been more worried about the if's than the when's. The ifs of if I would be back here, the ifs of who was playing at being nice and those that really were, the possible clones, the fakes, the teachers, the students, the Ultimates, Mum, Dad...

If they could only see me now.

Ha.

Ha ha.

I clenched my fist, the liquid running all around me making it feel unnatural - as it did every time.

Hydr- The people here had done everything they could to break me.

Somehow, I had held on through the force of my determination and the way I played the game.

I played along just enough so that they couldn't reasonable rationalise torturing 'Subject One' but did everything in between to poke, push, prod at every gap in their defenses. To annoy them, tease them, in between the painful experiments. Like my eye...

(Everything was dark and hard to see out of it, whenever I tried to open it it made light so painful that I had given up on trying to keep it open. The pain was bad, like a dagger or a needle boring into it. I just had to wait for it to heal.)

And maybe the first time I had been here - okay I knew it definitely wasn't the base I had first been in because what infrastructure I knew was here suggested that I was somewhere completely different - I had decided to really play the game, obeying them but still getting ready to escape. I didn't have much hope of escape here. Even if I wasn't so weak, everything suggested that it would be really hard to escape.

But I knew wherever I was, it was somewhere where it was harder to get resources out here, but secure and safe enough that they didn't even bother with guards to deter me from making a breakout. There was some sort of environment above ground, or just outside for all I knew, that made them confident that I wouldn't make it out of here.

But they hadn't been here for days.

There had to be something big going on for them to abandon me altogether, to allow me the opportunity to get my powers back. Well, they weren't fully back. The liquid-whatever in here, in this tube, would never allow me to be at full strength. It only allowed me to be healed enough for them to get fresh samples.

Samples. God, I hated the scien- the people here.

But from my own testing that I was able to do in this damn tube I was at the most power I would be at if I wanted to make a break for it.

I had no plans.

No maps.

No idea where I would have to go to get out of here.

All I knew was this room. All I knew was the certainty that I had to get out of here before they maybe did break me. I didn't want to be broken. I wanted to be free, and if that meant being on top of a mountain god knows where, or even a criminal for all I cared, I would.

I was different now, even as hard as I had tried to hold onto what made me... me. I couldn't reasonably be a naive kid when any minute that passed meant the chance that they would come back in here. I knew that even this, the powers returning, them not being around for days, could be a test.

They might put me under hallucinogens like they had that one time and then flashed images at me that made me hallucinate being home.

When I had come out of that, that had been the closest I had been to breaking, to becoming apathetic to my pain and give up on getting any freedom back... it had also been the angriest I had ever been. The scient- the person who had been running the test had been very close to losing his life that day... to put it lightly.

Which was when they had gone after my eye.

I had more or less learned my lesson. Emotions were a weapon, they could be used against me, but I could also use it against them.

The point was, I had the chance to get out of this fucking tube for the first time in a long time. Even if this was a test, they would have to put me somewhere else while they fixed up this thing and maybe for once I would get to count the tiles of a different ceiling.

So when I raised my curled fist.

When I felt the strength behind my arm threatening to cause a cramp from just how much disuse those muscles had suffered for however long I had been here.

When I forced my hand through the weird liquid, the momentum being slowed down just that bit more than I had hoped.

When I hit the not quite glass, not quite plasticy barrier between me and the world.

And when it made an audible **crack**.

The rush of emotion, the rush of satisfaction and happiness...

It was indescribable.

I did it again, pushing my body more then I had in ages, the crack grew, _again_ , gritting my teeth, it was as long as my arm, _again_ , long as my leg, the spider-like cracks growing on their own now, _**again**_.

And then me, the barrier, and the liquid were sent hurtling onto the floor.

I was pushed into a desk or something, back hitting it with a small thud. I ignored the pain easily.

I coughed, struggling to push myself up from the ground. I tilted my head to the side, fluids draining from my ears and allowing me to hear things normally -and not muffled- again. I did it to both sides but the movement seemed to upset my stomach or something because next thing I know I'm clenching my stomach as I spewed bluey-green liquid everywhere.

I hadn't had solid food for ages, they just put everything they needed to keep me alive in the freaking tube.

I weakly looked back at the damn thing. Huh, it somehow looked more intimidating from the outside than the inside. Man, I was glad they always knocked me out before I was put in or taken out.

I pushed myself up, the hospital gown type thing I was forced to wear sticking to my sides uncomfortably. I could hear alarms blaring, which wasn't a surprise, but I could hear what sounded like... lasers, gunfire, and something else that I knew the sound of but couldn't put a name to for some reason?

Was that why there hadn't been any scientists around for days? I had honestly been expecting for all of this to be a test.

Was it some other big group like Hydr- the people who had me? I wouldn't be surprised, as far as I knew I was the only or at least most powerful mutated person they had ever captured. It was why they kept cloning me faster than even rabbits could breed. They still hadn't quite mastered getting a balance between my personality and obedience without them becoming impossibly angry, apathetic to the point of death before they could actually do anything with them and drooling mindlessness.

It was almost funny to see the angry ones thrash around like dying fish before they were killed off. Just another failed experiment.

As much as I wanted to become one of the apathetic ones and say I was terrible, and as much as those thoughts became stronger and stronger in the reality I had built myself to get through another day, I wasn't a failed experiment.

I was just the building block of one. The supply to experiment with the variables. What happens when you mess with this gene? With this body part? With their treatment?

The point was, I could hear the sounds of fighting outside and I was too weak to get out of the room itself by my guesses. And for all I knew, those people fighting could be trying to get me for their own experiments. As much as I hated the people here, I also knew that there was a system here, I knew I was more or less safe as long as I played the game. I didn't want to have to learn a new set of rules.

I also didn't want to die from stray gunfire so I was more than happy to wait for the last effects (or at least as much as I could get rid of in a short amount of time) to wear off before I did anything.

With all the energy and stubbornness I could muster, I got onto my hands and knees and crawled behind some box, hidden from anyone who came investigating in here while still having the advantage to be able to see glimpses of them.

The sounds of fighting steadily but slowly got closer to me as I slipped into sleep a few times. I couldn't help it, but my spider-sense kept me on my toes enough for me to still be awake enough to track the movements outside of here.

And wasn't it strange to feel that pressure, that tingle, that sixth sense that told my subconscious what was wrong even if it often took me a couple of seconds to figure out exactly what it was saying?

I had only been feeling the baser instincts of it for so long that now it felt relieving to have more of an idea of what it wanted me to do.

Right now it was telling me to get out of here, but what else was new?

So I waited.

The fighting neared my door and I firmly kept myself awake. I took a better stock of my surroundings and spotted a vent. I hadn't been able to see it before because the top of the tube blocked it from sight.

Well, that was handy to have. Hopefully, my strength was up to par to bend some metal.

Before I could make a move towards the vent, the door opened with a loud bang that made me flinch. I stopped moving all together and held my breath.

"You think this is it?" a very familiar voice asked. I frowned but still didn't move.

"Everything we know suggests that it is. It even had 'Subject One' on the door- wait, what the hell?" That voice was definitely female and also familiar.

"Um, if he _was_ in here he's clearly made a break for it. Guess that means he's not brainwashed?" The first familiar voice commented.

"We don't know that, he could have somehow known we were coming and decided we were enemies." The female voice murmured.

The first voice sighed, "Alright, let's get Tony in here. Maybe he can figure out what happened."

I peeked around from my hiding spot, but since I was so low and at a bad angle all I could see were their legs. They were military style. It sounded like they might be here to rescue me... but they still could just be another organisation like Hydra.

Or maybe it was-

No, they hadn't rescued me then, why would they now?

I heard them moving towards the tube, and closer to where I was. If they discovered me here I would be screwed. But there was only two of them, and chances were they weren't enhanced so maybe I would be able to get the upper hand.

But they did appear to have military training, how else would they have gotten down here otherwise? If they managed to make it past everyone here - who I knew could stop _me_ \- how could I get past them if they were after me?

This was bad, why couldn't I have made straight for the vent instead of thinking it was a better idea to try and get my strength up?

"How long ago do you think this happened?" The first voice asked, presumably, the female voice.

"It seems pretty fresh, the liquid hasn't spread out or evaporated yet. Maybe an hour or two, maybe even less."

There was a weird clunking sound fast approaching from outside the room which seemed to stop the first voice from speaking again. I tensed, should I make a break for it now?

The choice was made for me, the clunking whatever was already in the room.

The first voice seemed happy as he spoke, "Tony, got anything?"

There was a whirring sound, and my spider-sense started to go off. Shit. Shitshitshit.

"Cap, behind that desk!" Tony shouted and immediately I made a break for it.

My body was working on autopilot more than anything as I ducked out of the way of some sort of blast and moved just out of the way of some object. I jumped for the vent and I was a second away from getting it open when a hand grabbed my ankle.

I kicked out, connecting with whoever’s chest it was and stuck on to them before throwing them forward into the wall. They had to let go of my foot to brace themselves and I used that momentum to try and scamper into the vent. I was almost in when there was a sharp pain in the side of my foot, similar to a needle, that made me cry out.

With my weakened state and the amount of energy I had just used, combined with what I could only assume was a tranquilizer, worked fast and made me pass out.

Shit.

 

* * *

 

Loud! There was a roaring noise seemingly drilling into my head so loud that it made me whine in pain.

What was happening? Why was this happening? Were they testing my hearing? Where was I?

I began tugging uselessly at whatever was keeping my hands pinned to the table.

Stop! Stop! STOP!

Something gave and I was leaning up, one arm still pinned, trying to cover my ears.

I could barely hear anything, I was scared of opening my eyes, stop, stop, STOP!

There was something on my arm, something soft, and I grabbed it and crushed it as hard as I could. I thought I might have heard a scream.

More touches, more things, still no hearing, _still no sight_.

I screamed.

Something pricked my arm and all my senses fell away into blissful nothingness.

 

* * *

 

Ow...

Ow, ow, _ow_ , fuck, fuck OW!

There was something over my face, there was more stuff pinning my arms, there was stuff in my arms, there was a knife cutting into my skin.

No!

Stop!

 _Stop_ , please!

Don't cut me open, don't cut me open, don't cut me open, don'tcutmeopen, don'tcutmeopen, _pleasepleasepleaseplease_ don't!

Stop!

More pain, more voices.

I'll do whatever you want just please stop! _Please_!

No... no stop, please...

Darkness.

 

* * *

 

When I started to fuzzily become more aware of my surroundings, I noticed three things pretty quickly.

Something was restraining my arms and legs, there were bandages wrapped around every joint, for some reason, and I could hear low murmuring in the room.

Great, another lot of tests. I knew the whole thing with the escape was... was...

It- it had to be either some sort of dream or a test. A test to see just how well they could take me down and how weak the tube made me most likely. They would have known I wouldn't have pushed myself so hard unless I thought it was real.

Made sense.

Keeping myself still so the scienti- the people here wouldn't know I was awake, I pushed through the hazy tiredness of just waking up to try and get a better grasp on what they were going to do to me next.

"Do you think he even realised it was us?" Wait, was that the first voice? What the hell. They nearly never let guards in on tests...

"Probably not. It has been a long time since he last saw us. I wouldn't be entirely surprised if he has forgotten about us altogether." That voice wasn't the female voice, but it was still very familiar.

And not in an 'I know who the scienti- the person is' kind of way.

"Perhaps he has been brainwashed to some extent?" Not as familiar, but it did ring a bell.

God, I hated this. I wanted to open my eyes to find out why I knew all these people but I also didn't want to give myself away. Any advantage was needed when dealing with people like the people here.

There was a click of footsteps against tile that grew closer towards the door - presumably to whatever room I was in - and it opened. There were quiet greetings from the people surrounding me but the person there didn't reply.

"Miles, I know you're awake."

Damnit. I opened my good eye, shifting to look at the people in this room.

Then I froze.

... Ah.

That was why they all seemed so... familiar.

Captain America, Bruce Banner, Hawkeye and none other than Nick Fury were staring- no, observing me.

I started laughing, head thrown back to what I now realised was a pillow. God, this was just like that other time. I didn't care that they would probably take another body part for my troubles but I was going to kill whichever scientist thought it was a smart idea to do this again.

"Lovely hallucination you've got going here, I hope you know that at the first chance I get I'm going to kill you," I said, laughing between words.

"Kid-" 'Hawkeye' tried to speak but I interrupted him.

"You even somehow got the textures right this time, well done! Now stop whatever you're using for this and _maybe_ I'll make your death quick and more or less painless." I said with a voice that definitely didn't reflect how I felt.

"Miles," 'Nick Fury' nearly shouted. I tilted my head so I could look at him. "this isn't a simulation. You are free from Hydra."

I sneered at him, "yeah right, and my iris isn't missing either, the sky is red and I _love_ all of the people doing this."

'Captain America' was watching me with sad, pitying eyes. 'Hawkeye' seemed to be trying to hold a neutral expression, 'Bruce Banner' looked a bit green and 'Nick Fury' was frowning.

There was a pause which I used to look back up at the ceiling. God, I hated Hyd- the people doing this. I was pretty much accepting at this stage that I was going to be stuck in the damn tube for a long time, but they could at least not do this type of stuff to me. They could use any clone's of me to test this but instead they want to go to the freaking original.

This was unfair. I hated this.

Surprisingly, it was 'Bruce Banner' who spoke up next.

"Miles, you've been missing for four years, eight months and twelve days. From what we can tell, they kept your body young either as a result of suppressing your powers or so that the... variables in their experiments with clones and the likes stayed the same. Or, both."

I processed that for a moment. I guess a hallucination wouldn't tell me exactly how long I had been gone. Could easily be my subconscious filling me in, though. Or, they were seeing how I would react if I was put in this situation.

Maybe to see how conditioned I was? Yeah, that wasn’t scary to think about _at all_.

"I already knew that that was their reasoning. Look, this is nice and all but can you end this 'test' or 'experiment' already? I'm pretty sure you already know my reaction to these sorts of things after last time." I said, voice losing its venom as exhaustion seeped in.

"... Get some rest Miles, we'll talk more after you wake up." 'Captain America' decided after a pause, and a few moments later everyone was shuffling out of the room, closing the door behind them.

I was almost looking forward to the relative safety of the tube, at least there they wouldn't be trying to tug my emotions around like a dog on a leash.

 

* * *

 

When I came around again, I almost sighed when the first thing I heard was- "Maybe he's a clone?"

"I'm not a clone, I'm the real thing," I mutter, voice dry. Like it was actually dry, I was really thirsty.

There was a bang like someone had knocked something over. I turned my head to the side and found Tony Stark, Black Widow and Captain America staring at me, an iPad or something similar on the floor by Tony's feet.

Black Widow seemed the least affected, or was at least the first one to speak up. "You're awake."

"Thanks, Captain Obvious. Can I have a drink of water or something?" My stomach rumbled and I sighed. "Maybe some food as well. Or something to stop the rumbling and shit."

Captain America tilted his head while Tony picked up his i-whatever and pressed some buttons. America spoke up first. "You're a lot less... angry than before..."

I rolled my eyes... or at least my working eye. "Look at this point I can't really deny that maybe this is real. Hy- the people who have- had me wouldn't have run a test like this for this long. Surprisingly enough they tend to have short attention spans."

Black Widow frowned a bit, "Aren't you more excited? Or happy?"

I huffed a laugh, "Nup. Believe me, I would have thought I would be too but at this point, I really can't care. If it's a test, great. More of the same. If I am out for real this time I really have no idea what the likes of you will do with me. And I mean, look at me. If Bruce was actually telling the truth and I have been gone for five years then what the hell does that mean for my future? I still look fourteen and I know that people will treat me like that even if they know how old I actually am. You want to be in my position?"

I rolled my head so I was looking up at the ceiling again as Captain America began to speak. "We're sorry that you're in this position in the first place. We know that... back then we should have listened to you more."

"No shit, I was telling all of you that he was was sending off my bloody spider-sense and none of you would listen to me. Anyway, that doesn't matter anymore. How is everyone else? Like Mum and Dad, Ganke even?"

"They are all doing well and waiting for when we give the clear for you to see them," Black Widow explained.

I frowned, "Why the hell wouldn't you let them see me now?"

Tony finally spoke up, "We had an idea of what they were doing to you but we didn't know if they had brainwashed you into being obedient or not."

I grinned at that, "They tried, but when you generally do what they tell you it doesn't give them much incentive to do that sort of thing. There were plenty of clones to do that to anyway."

There was a knock on the door that interrupted us before a pretty standard looking person who I assumed was a nurse of some kind walked in with a tray of food and water. She set it down on the bench beside my bed, gave a respectful nod to the three superheroes, and walked out.

I didn't make a move to try and sit up, "You might want to unlock my hands, or else who wants to feed me like a baby-bird?" I said with a grin that didn't reach my eyes. None of them seemed to really notice that.

Cap got up with a small amount of hesitance and jiggled around with something by my hands before there was a click and I could move my right hand. I waited while he did the other one before I sighed in relief and absently soothed over one of my arms, the rub marks red and angry.

I did that for a short moment, but long enough that I could feel their stares growing concerned. I decided to ignore them for the moment and tucked into what looked like some sort of jelly. I suppressed my reaction to having any sort of food after so long.

I may be out of... there but there was no way in hell I was going to show them any types of signs of what they had done to me if it delayed me seeing anyone I actually cared about.

I knew they knew that a lot of bad things had happened to me, I knew that I had had to deal with a lot of shit while there. If this really wasn't a hallucination, if I was well and truly free like all signs suggested, I was going to move on with my life. I was going to go back to the status quo and ignore everything that had happened.

No one should have to deal with my mental health. I didn't want to deal with it, so no one would.

I swallowed the last of it before I looked any of them in the eye again. "There is very little chance of me hurting my family or friends. Unless I'm provoked and pushed to my limit, which is the same as anyone, really, I won't be punching anyone in the face. I'm ready to see them."

Tony peered over his device, which he had decided to use instead of focusing on the awkward silence while I had eaten. "Kid, you desperately need to see someone. Just look at your eye. I doubt they actually used any anesthetic-"

"Stop," I growled, eyes darting back down to study my hands. "I know perfectly well that I went through some fucked up shit. But I am not going to see a damn _shrink_ , especially after last time. I'm. Fine."

I saw Black Widow peer at me through narrowed eyes. "You are not 'fine.' You woke up loudly declaring that this was all a hallucination the first time you properly woke up-"

"Yes I did, and I think you would have done the same if you had been in a bloody tube for-" I swallowed and regained my composure. Emotions were a weapon, whichever edge of the sword you held. "Point is, I want to see Mum and Dad and Ganke, if they are willing to see me. Let me see them. All of you are the equivalent of acquaintances to me. I was never any of your friends, I was just a kid doing stupid shit that you monitored from time to time. Don't act like it now."

"Son-" Captain America tried to speak but I spoke over the top of him.

"Don't call me son. I am nineteen now and you will **treat me** as such. I doubt you can legally hold me against my will in this hospital when I am pretty much healed from everything, especially when I'm not a threat to you or them, or anyone."

Captain America now looked a bit pissed, though I could see him trying to go back to being more neutral. "Unfortunately, we can't be sure if Hydra will try and bring you back in again. We know you would be worried about guards, spies or similar personal potentially being under the influence of the organisation so we decided-"

"We will be keeping you in our base until we're certain they can't or won't go after you again." Black Widow finished for him.

I curled my fist, processing that for a moment. They wanted to study and watch after me like I was some sort of- sort of _pet_! That really was the best way to describe it, I had always been a fucking pet project. Tug the leash this way and they'll be a better Ultimate in the future.

"Great, then I'll have been held against my will for the third fucking time," I growled, venom lacing every word.

Black Widow stood up, "We know you don't want to-"

I glared up at her, daggers in my eyes that made even her hesitate. "None of you have learned anything, have you? This right here is what got me caught last time, everyone else deciding what poor old traumatised Miles needs!"

"Kid, it's not like that. We just want to help-"

"Fuck off Tony, believe it or not, you really don't need to feel responsible for me. Actually, I would prefer it if you didn't give a fuck. I got myself home just fine the first time and I was just in the process of that again before you fuckers showed up dressed up in military gear. All you did was edge me along like a fucking circus clown." I grit my teeth. "Don't bother talking to me unless you want to actually negotiate what will happen with me. I'm not a child, despite what I look like."

I looked down at the sheets covering my legs as they all left.

I ignored the sting of tears slipping down the side of my face.

 

* * *

 

Less than an hour later, my stomach heavily protested the food I had been given. With the room empty, I was able to slip into the bathroom I had seen earlier that was connected to this space without being questioned. I closed the door before falling to my knees and vomiting everything up into the toilet.

The pain was excruciating, my throat burning and my stomach muscles aching after being used for the first time in a long time.

But I had had worse pain.

I wiped at the sides of my mouth, got up, flushed the toilet (ignoring the traces of the familiar bluey-green liquid mixed with the red of the jelly) and then cleaned my face and hands. No one had to know.

No one would know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, first chapter!
> 
> I've decided to post this now but I'm not going to post anything more of the story until I've finished at least half of it. Which might be awhile cause I'm aiming for 150,000 words.
> 
> Any feedback, spelling errors or grammatical errors I would love to hear! It's what keeps a writer pumpin ;)


	2. Read end Note

_ I struggled to breathe, but that was normal. _

_ I gasped for air I wouldn't get - like a fish on land. _

_ Ha. _

_ It wasn't like I needed to breathe, I knew that, but breathing was like blinking and I couldn't stop inhaling the... the stuff in this thing like it was air. _

_ I felt like I was drowning, but I wasn't. _

_ I felt lightheaded, but that was just my body freaking out a little bit. _

_ I felt weak... but that was normal. _

_ I had two hands against the glass, head limp between them. _

_ I couldn't do anything, I had tried everything to get the glass to break but I was so weak. _

_ My spider-sense wasn't working and god that scared me more than anything. It was like hearing or seeing to me, and it was terrifying without it. _

_ I had no idea when the scientists would walk back in here, because I had no way to tell. _

_ And I was scared. _

_ I was so freaking scared, I had fucked up and now I had been here... _

_ I didn't know how long I had been here. _

_ I never had any idea of how long I had been here. _

_ I didn't want to think about how long I had been here. _

_ That was terrifying. _

_ I was scared. _

_ The people here, if they really were who I was nearly certain they were, they had all the power and now I was stuck in a... _

_ I was stuck in a room that was cold, dark and empty, the... my little home thing right in the corner while the room was stacked high with boxes and what I could only guess was scientific devices. _

_ I was another tool in the tool box, only brought out when needed. _

_ I didn't know how to feel about that. _

_ I couldn't guess at how long time passed because the scientists kept odd hours, often coming in here at random points to take a bit of my skin or something similar then leaving. In and out in ten minutes or something close. _

_ I couldn't make a guess through any other method; the lights didn't stay on and switch off at regular points. And I didn't need to eat. I never felt hungry and I just knew that this... liquid thing in here was the cause behind it. It was probably why I was so weak too. _

_ The door outside slammed open, light flooding in from outside, as something was chucked to the floor by the door. The door closed again, just as quickly the dark seeped into every corner. _

_ I watched, waited, closing off as best as I could. They couldn't hurt me if there was nothing to be hurt. So, I would prepare myself. I had a feeling in my gut that whatever had just happened was leading up to something... _

_ My eyes widened a fraction as the something moved. It pushed itself to its knees and I realised with rising nauseousness that it was a clone of me. _

_ And it was gagged and tied up. Bound at the ankle and knees, arms pulled behind it, so it couldn't even get up. Its eyes uncovered. _

_ I pushed myself off of the glass and pressed myself against the furthest side, staying as far away as I could in my small space. The clone looked my way, tears dripping down its face and getting soaked in the fabric gagging it. It looked... _

_ I couldn't put a word to it. _

_ Maybe 'sorry' could describe it. What was it sorry for? _

_ I didn't want to know. _

_ I wanted to ask what was happening, why they were like that, but I couldn't. I physically couldn't, the liquid made it impossible. _

_ Maybe that was for the better. _

_ The clones head drooped back down. Was it in defeat? Sadness? Anger? Exhaustion? I couldn't tell. _

_ When did I ever know anything around here anyway? _

_ Maybe it was bad that I couldn't read the emotions on what was basically myself. _

_ The only real question was if it came from the first Hydra base, or at least from that "sample" group, or from here. _

_ If it was before, maybe it was scared. If from here... maybe it felt defeated. _

_ The room was quiet and dark still, only a quiet whirring from the... the thing holding me interrupting the oppressive silence. _

_ But the atmosphere, it was tense enough that for once I didn't pay attention to what was happening outside the room. Instead, I waited to see what the clone would do. _

_ It didn't do anything. _

_ Again, I had no idea how long it was before the door opened again and two pairs of boots came in. The lights came on, forcing me to close my eyes and wait for my eyes to get used to the light again. _

_ When I finally looked around again it was to the sight of the clone closer to me, forced to stare directly at me as a military clad person pulled at its hair. On the other side of the clone was a scientist, who was smiling at me in a way that sent a shiver up my spine. _

_ The clone was crying harder, shaking with what I could guess were barely restrained sobs. _

_ "Hello Subject One, it's nice to finally meet you in person. I have been watching you and aren't you a fascinating specimen! All that power... it fills me with joy to be able to begin the process of giving that power to Hydra." The scientist had such a gleeful expression on his face, like I was an object rather than a person. An interesting new discovery... _

_ I was scared, even as I tried my best to conceal everything I was feeling under a mask of not caring. I did care, and that wasn't good. _

_ He walked closer to my little... home and I realised I was back to the centre of the liquid. I resisted the urge to press myself against the other side. _

_ "However, you are still a thinking creature. Such a shame. I know all about the stunt you pulled when you tried to escape." He gestured around the room. "As you can see... that won't be possible here." _

_ He walked back to the clone and lifted its chin up. I could see the clone grimace, seeming to come to the same conclusion as me and going glassy eyed as it tried to distance itself from what was happening. _

_ If you don’t feel, nothing can get to you. Nothing can make your soul ache, your will crumble and give up… if there’s nothing there to be damaged. _

_ "This demonstration I'm about to give you, Subject One, is going to be an example of what we will do to you if you try and escape." _

_ The scientist abandoned the clone momentarily as he went over to some drawers and rummaged around. When he turned back around he was carrying what I could only guess to be a surgical knife. _

_ Oh crap. _

_ The clone managed to get a glimpse of it. I could tell the exact moment it clicked. Its eyes widened, and it looked over at me as if I would be able to save it, as if I had any power whatsoever. _

_ In a rush of adrenaline, I pushed myself forward and banged on the glass a couple time, loud and hard enough that everyone stiffened and looked over. _

_ If I had been able to speak, maybe I would have yelled to leave it alone, that I got it, that I wouldn't try and escape! But I couldn't. So, I stared at the scientist trying to get some message across that would translate into 'don't do it!' _

_ He smirked at me as the clone was forced to its feet. _

_ For the violent way the clone was being forced around, the scientist’s incisions were meticulous and precise, ignoring their pain and suffering. The screams were quiet, muffled by the gag and then further by the liquid. _

_ The guards not so much, they didn’t care about giving me a show. They delivered the last few blows with uncaring brutality, before they grabbed a gun out and pointed it at its head. _

_ At this point, maybe that was a mercy for them. _

_ They left the body there, eyes open and murky. _

_ - _

_ The blood had always seemed to linger, even when I was put in a different location. _

-

I gasped awake, sitting up and grabbing at my hair.

Oh god, oh god, fuck, oh fuck, oh god...

I choked on a sob and curled up into a tight ball, knees pressed up against my chest as I buried my face into them. I could feel myself shivering and shaking, and just for a moment, I didn't try to stop it.

There was a noise beside me and I looked up, blinking a few times and causing tears that had been pooling in my eyes to fall.

Nick Fury was sitting on one of the hospital chairs, eyes wide and concerned but he hadn't made a move to try and stop me panicking.

Maybe he knew it would be worse to touch me right now.

Or maybe he thought of me like a wild animal - get too close and they might bite your fingers off.

Good call.

At least he wasn't like the Ultimates.

I swallowed and breathed, letting myself numb over, the shaking stopping as my pulse calmed down.

It had just been a nightmare. Nothing more, nothing less.

Even if that had happened.

I never wanted to think of that again.

I looked forward, looking at the tile floor trying to ground myself in the now. All I could see in my mind’s eye was the clone. Bleeding, dead, left there for far too long. I looked back down at my hands.

"'morning Fury," I tried to say, but my throat felt closed off. I didn't even manage to choke out a sound.

It felt just like the fucking liquid was all around my throat, closing it off and forcing me into silence.

Figures.

So instead I just gave him a small wave, not bothering to look over at him as I did so.

There was no point, all I would see would be pity. I didn't want that.

"Good morning Miles, are you okay?" He asked, voice softer than I had ever heard it before. I hated that.

I should have nodded, said yes, but I just shrugged. It didn't really matter how I was. I didn't want it to matter how I was.

He hummed, it wasn't a sound of agreement or disappointment, or anything like that. Just an acknowledgment. It made me untense a little.

"If you want to talk about it, I would more than encourage you."

I shook my head. There was no point. I was free, there was no point in dwelling on what had happened with- to the- when I was-...

I blinked the tears out of my eyes, grateful that my face was still hidden from view.

He seemed to give up, maybe realised that I had no intention to tell him anything. I heard some papers shuffling around and once I was sure the tears were all gone I looked up.

Fury hummed again, before starting to speak. "So, I heard about your conversation with Rogers, Stark and Romanoff. For a group like them, they certainly don't know how to tell someone news." He studied my face for a moment before looking back down at his papers. "From what you said to the group, is it correct that the way you were treated before when you first escaped made things worse for you?"

I nodded slowly. If younger me hadn't been so mad and caged in by everyone, given a bit more freedom and understanding, they would have never gone running off with no one to back them up. I hated younger me, even if I could feel that caged feeling already beginning to grow again.

I didn't want to know what would happen if it consumed me again.

A part of me was roaring at me to let it happen.

"I understand that you feel like going off to live with the Ultimates would be giving up more freedom. Am I correct?" He asked, and again I nodded.

There was no point in lying to a spy.

He sighed, reading over the papers a couple more times. "Look, I know it’s not something you want. Unfortunately, none of us know what Hydra's intentions are or if they'll want you back. I can't check in on you every day, Miles. Any team of personal that would be dedicated to your safety could potentially be infiltrated as well."

His lips pulled into a tight line. "They are the best choice to keep you safe."

I gritted my teeth and looked back down at my lap. I knew it made sense, the logic was sound, but I had already gotten a taste of how they would treat me.

Being on a mountain in the middle of nowhere was beginning to sound more and more favourable.

"However..." I reluctantly glanced up at him, "I can still make arrangements so that you are only living in the base and not forced into spending time with the Ultimates. I would have to have JARVIS monitor you if you can't stand the group that much, especially considering your history. I think that might be an agreeable solution."

Being monitored by a computer system that could be hacked, even if Tony thought it couldn't be, or being around the Ultimates that I couldn't deny would keep me safe even if they really didn't know what human decency was?

Fuck...

I tried to speak again but my throat closed off. I thought for a few moments before holding my hand up with one finger sticking up.

He raised an eyebrow, "Are you saying option one? Interacting with the Ultimates?"

I paused for a few moments then nodded again.

Lesser of two evils, right?

Fury's lips quirked up at the sides. "Good. I'm going to give you some paperwork that goes more in depth for what we think would help you, and your free to edit or comment on things. Your eye still needs to get checked out in the next couple of days. The doctors want to do more check-ups on you, and you will have to do that, but it's up to you what time and place, and with who." He paused, shifted his legs and leaned forward a bit. "I'm working as fast as I can to get your parents and friends signed off to see you. As well as that, I would like to introduce you to someone."

I sighed almost silently and was surprised to realise that the pressure around my throat had faded. I cleared my throat before trying to speak. "That... sounds fine."

He nodded, "You should try and get some sleep now, you look exhausted. There will be some food for you when you wake up."

I bit my lip; the thought of food made my stomach turn. I didn't want to eat it just to vomit all over again. But I had to eat. But I didn't want to...

"Thanks," I whispered instead.

-

It didn't surprise me at all when not long after I had eaten I had to excuse myself from the room - where Black Widow and Bruce Banner currently were camped out - to vomit.

When I came back ten minutes later I could see Widow studying me heavily.

I ignored her.

-

The light glaring into my injured eye was like stabbing a needle repeatedly into it, unforgiving and almost painful enough to make me whine.

But I couldn't, Bruce Banner and Tony Stark were in the room and I didn't want to give them more reason for them to stare at me with those pitying, regret filled eyes.

I wanted to never be stared at like that again, but that was never going to happen, so my next best choice was putting up a wall that said nothing had happened to me.

Which I was still working on.

Maybe I should have worked on it all that time I was in the tube...

Then again, I had also been waiting and listening every second of the day for something to change, or at least for the chance to predict when a scientist came in next.

Fear had driven me then.

I had no idea what drove me now.

I was only glad that Fury had kept true to his word, I had requested this one doctor and he had pulled through. Which was why I had even agreed to come along to this in the first place. I knew now at least that they would give me some autonomy.

I could take his words at face value, and that was a huge relief.

The light was flicked off and I closed my eye again, waiting for the pain to fade.

"Well, luckily for you, you are superhuman," the optometrist started, writing down some notes on her clipboard, "your iris seems to be slowly healing itself."

"How long do you think it'll take?" Bruce Banner asked before I could.

She hummed and tilted her head. "Do you know how long ago they removed it?" She asked me.

I shook my head. Time hadn't really existed there, not for me at least.

"No. I would have to do regular check-ups to see its progress before I could make an estimate."

"That's fine, we can do-" Tony started, I interrupted.

"No, that's fine. As long as it's healing, right?"

I didn't want to see doctors, but I had to, so I would see them as little as possible.

Everyone looked at me for an uncomfortable number of seconds, I pretended not to care.

Finally, the lady spoke up again. "Well, it must hurt at least. Especially with light. Wearing sunglasses should help with that."

"Great, I'll do that. Are we done?" I asked, folding my arms.

The frown on Bruce's face grew and Tony put his head in his hand but otherwise no one protested my rush to get out.

-

I was absently fiddling with my thumbs, knees drawn up to my chest as I waited for something new to happen. There was no one in the room but me, I had been told by a nurse, that had briefly come in to check on me, that they were ‘letting me get some rest.’

Yeah, sure. More likely than not they were all off doing something more important than sitting with an angry teenager.

Wait, no, I was legally an adult.

I would think about that later.

I seriously didn’t want to think about getting a job right now.

Or the fact that I had never finished high school.

Or that I would probably be able to go and finish school looking like this.

Yeah, I really didn’t want to think about it.

There was a small knock on the door and I sighed. My wish had been granted but I honestly didn’t want to see anyone right now. I had just wanted something to do.

Yes, I was a hypocrite, but no one had given me whatever the new brand of phone had been made. Probably to protect me from an overload of information.

Which, rude. I’m Gen Z, I’m used to the Internet.

“Can I come in?” The person at the door asked. I looked up, frowning in confusion.

“Why didn’t you just come in?” I asked the man. I had never met him before, but he wasn’t wearing any hospital wear either, so I was honestly confused as to why this person wanted to see me.

They still didn’t step in. “It’s your space, right? I wouldn’t want random strangers barging in to mine.”

Guess that made sense… “You can come in you know.”

“Thanks.” He walked over to me and held out a hand. I took it hesitantly. “Sam, or the Falcon, I’m a member of the Ultimates. Heard a lot about you.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” I said, going for a light tone but falling flat. He shrugged as he sat down in one of the chairs.

“You’ve been through a hell of a lot kid, if I were you I would be probably be a lot angrier than you are.”

I frowned again, “Okay? When did you even join the team?”

“Couple years back. I couldn’t meet you right away because I was on a mission. Spider-woman was with me and she’s going to come see you as soon as she can. She’s missed you,” he finished softly.

I looked down at my hands. “I… forgot about her.”

How could I forget about her?

“Kid, it’s alright. You probably had more important things to think about when you were captured,” Sam tried to reassure me.

I huffed a bitter laugh, “But I didn’t! I was in a bloody storage room, they weren’t torturing me every second of the day- “

“-You were probably trying to figure out when they would, right? No one blames you, you know.”

I glared at him for a few moments before the energy seemed to sap out of me and I let myself slump back. “I had five years to think about her. I had five years to figure out how to get out. That’s pretty pathetic.”

“You were in a tube that any normal person wouldn’t be able to smash, and it’s pretty obvious that whatever they gave you kept you weak. You had no way of getting out without outside help,” he argued.

I didn’t speak for a long moment and he didn’t seem inclined to fill the silence either. He just quietly waited for me to talk.

I finally gave in, “Why are you even here? No one asked you to come here.”

“Because we’re going to be around each other until we can figure out a better way to keep you safe. That’s enough reason for me. And kid, if you want me to be entirely honest, I want to help you,” he said, and when I looked at him he seemed to be entirely sincere.

“I don’t need help.” I growled.

“Bullshit.”

“I’m fine!” At the raised eyebrow he gave me I gave in a little bit. “I just need to get out of this hospital, it reminds me too much of… them.”

“That’s fair. As far as I know they’re only keeping you here until they’re certain any of the stuff they gave you is out of your system. I could talk to them if you- “

“They won’t listen to me, why will they listen to you?” I spat.

“Because they trust me more, unfortunately. We all want the best, but a few of them don’t think we should trust everything you ask for right now with weird stuff in your system. Sorry kid.” He grimaced sympathetically.

“And let me guess, Cap’s the one advocating that?” I huffed.

“He wants you to be okay, too.”

“Doesn’t feel like that.” I mumbled.

He heard me and sighed, “I know, but he was trying just as hard as the rest of them to get you back from Hydra. We’re going to get you better kid, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” I finally said, resting my head on my knees where my hands were. “Just… let them know I want to leave as soon as possible.”

“I’ll talk to them,” he promised.

-

I didn't know how long it had been before I was told I would be seeing Mum and Dad again.

I didn't know how to feel about it, either.

I was scared that they would see how much I had changed, but it was inevitable.

I didn't want to think about how much I had changed.

But I would be seeing them again, after... after all these years- after everything.

I had eaten (and puked) not too long ago and I had noticed the nurses place some sort of gas nearby with an oxygen mask out. It was ready to be used at a moment’s notice.

Probably to knock me out if I got too emotional or something. Maybe it was because Mum and Dad, and the nurses didn't have any powers and/or training to back them up if I got... if I made a move to do something.

But the Ultimates hadn't been allowed in for this, and that was the best I could ask for in this situation. I was guessing this was the middle-ground they had figured out.

I was given the illusion of control. There were no straps, but they were ready to knock me out.

I wanted to be grateful for the space, the middle-ground, but my stomach tightened with anger every time I thought about it, something ugly and unfortunately not foreign. I had been forced into an illusion of control before and that they thought they could pretend to give me any responsibility was-

I breathed, looking down at my hands and grounded myself. I was going to be seeing them again for the first time in five years, that was more important than how much I hated the Ultimates and everyone supporting them right now.

There was a click as the lock on my door was opened. I watched from the corner of my eyes as they walked in.

I couldn't look up. The invisible weight of water had settled around my throat again and I-

I was too scared, too scared to look up and find myself back in the tube with a scientist looking at me impassively.

My stomach turned, I felt nauseous. Good thing I had nothing left to vomit up, right?

The door shut again, not locking this time, and I still didn't look up. Footsteps approached me, and I braced myself.

I looked up before I could hesitate any longer and found both of them, more wrinkles around their face and eyes, red rimmed and crying. They were older then I remembered them being.

But of course they were, I was the one stuck in time.

I gave them a small smile, finding it almost surprising that I wasn't crying. I didn't even feel the sting of them wanting to fall down my face.

"Miles," Dad whispered, reaching out like he wanted to check that I really was here.

I couldn't find in myself to reach forward to hug them. I could tell that they wanted to reach out to hug me but had likely been warned off doing so. I couldn't speak to explain that I had missed them, that I wanted a hug, but that invisible liquid was choking the words before they could start...

So, I was left with an awkward pause, a silence, before they pulled up some chairs to sit as close as they could to me.

I had already fucked up and shown them I couldn't act like past me.

I would have felt guilty, sad, angry at myself, if there wasn't this overwhelming apathy and numbness squeezing my heart of any emotions.

I wanted to ask for a pen or paper, wanted to make a gesture to show what I wanted, but I felt like I had no energy to try. It felt like a waste of time. I had a feeling I wouldn't even remember how to write.

I was fucking this up further.

There was a bad taste in my mouth like the one I got after vomiting.

Mum sighed, something soft and sad, and put her hand out for me to take. I grabbed it hesitantly, losing a bit of tension with the firmness of something there to tell me that this was all real. I wasn't going to be back in Hydra in the blink of an eye, I wasn't still stuck in a tube for the rest of my life...

"We're sorry we didn't... that you felt like you couldn't trust us, before." Dad said softly.

I shook my head. It wasn't your fault, I wanted to say, I was still hurt and afraid and being pushed in too many directions. You couldn't have done any better, you were trying to protect me. What did happen was I opened my mouth like a fish... and nothing came out.

Mum squeezed my hand a bit tighter, and I squeezed back. I closed my mouth again. "SHIELD have already told us that they want to keep you with the Ultimates instead of us. We'll visit you as much as we can, we promise. Is that okay?"

I wanted to tell them that I wanted to be with them, even if they had to stay with the Ultimates to be with me, but I knew they had probably moved on from then and made a life without me.

That wasn't something bad, it was just the natural order of things.

But it made my chest ache.

I nodded instead of trying to get any of those points across.

I was still sort of surprised that I wasn't crying. In a distant, observant way.

There was another pause where they seemed to study me. I studied my sheets. I didn't want to really look at how much they had changed, I didn't want to think about how their lives were different without me.

I wish I had only been in the tube for a few months.

Or still there.

Things would be much simpler without me. I wouldn't be a burden on anyone.

Life would be predictable in the tube. Nothing here was.

I hated that I was even thinking any of this.

I was so selfish.

"You look like you haven't aged a day..." Dad murmured just loud enough for me to hear.

The weight of water around my throat and chest tightened. I let it.

-

The burn as I vomited later that evening felt like something I deserved, something I earned.

How thin I was when I dared to look felt right.

The almost floaty feeling from light-headedness left me high and out of body enough for me to smile.

I was a broken thing, I knew that without a doubt.

I deserved that when I couldn't even protect Brooklyn, I deserved that when I had only really spent maybe a year protecting the streets of two, or was it seven now? Eight?

I deserved it when I was stupid enough to get captured not once, but twice, when I had every possibility to make it through both encounters without being caught.

I deserved it when I never could stop them from cloning me.

I deserved it when I never tried harder to protect the beings that were essentially me. I knew that they had had their own emotions, were sentient and afraid.

What sort of hero did that make me?

It made me a failure.

I deserved it.

It would be better for me to float away, to disappear, to become a shadow.

The burn felt oh so right, but at the same time it didn't felt like enough.

I cleaned myself up and decided that from that point on I would figure out a way to keep the heaviness of weight out of my stomach for as long as I possibly could.

I was surprised no one seemed to notice my step falter when I walked back into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'll be honest.
> 
> I'm probably not going to write anything more of this. I wrote this after I had been through a rough patch and now that I'm feeling a lot better continuing this just doesn't appeal.
> 
> Too dark and edgy anyway.
> 
> So I've hoped you've enjoyed the probable last chapter of this!
> 
> To be clear: I have never suffered from PTSD, eating disorders, mental illness etc. This was just a reflection and then an extreme version of any feelings I had.
> 
> No one's been reading these anyway, and that's ok. I've found stories I'm a lot happier with now that I know readers like.
> 
> Peace out!


	3. Chapter 3

I'm never going to finish this work so I thought it would be nice to any of you peeps who've read this what would have happened.

 

I planned to write around 150,000+ words.

 

I was going to do a flip flop between the present and past, though the past is after the events of How Many Miles to Babylon.

 

The Past:

-Miles is back at school but everyone doubts the cover story. Kids think he got sick, some think he was faking it, so on so forth. The end result, he's getting bullied. Some of that ends with him running off having panic attacks.

-He's back as Spider-man but everyone keeps wondering what happened to him. Conspiracy theories are everywhere

-The Ultimates are constantly trying to get him to open up about what happened. They are overprotective to the point of interfering with low-level stuff. They feel really guilty for what happened before.

-The Ultimates and Fury are getting him to see a therapist. Problem is, he's part of Hydra and keeps on sending off his Spider-sense. Miles isn't opening up to the guy and keeps on trying to tell the Ultimates what's happening with the therapist but they think it's him trying to get out of therapy and aren't listening.

-Things progressively get worse on all fronts. Finally, Miles snaps when the Ultimates interfere in a mugging. He tells them to go away, and when they don't he snaps and says he's going after the therapist guy himself.

-Turns out that's exactly what Hydra/therapy guy planned. They set a trap and capture him. Having learned from last time, they don't bother trying to get him to join or any of that. They stick him in a tube and use his DNA as they please.

-He loses his eye when he almost kills a HYDRA scientist and they take it away as a punishment. In the present story, he's slowly getting it back because of his healing factor.

-To keep him in line they kill clones in the most vicious ways they can think of... right in front of him.

-The tube makes it impossible to breathe so he feels like he's drowning the whole time he's in there. The liquid in there is giving him oxygen though

 

The Present:

-Miles is back, but the Ultimates are again intrusively over-protective.

-He hides his many mental illnesses, including eating disorders, because he wants them off his back.

-He can't keep any food down because in the tube the liquid gave him everything he needed to survive. Five years not eating food and his body doesn't want any food again

-While he was gone, one of his clones began buddying up with the Ultimates, thinking it was the real Miles. He went on a bit of a journey of self-discovery and found out that he was a clone. Hes got only a couple of years to live before he grows old and dies. He was one of the main reasons they even found Miles again, to begin with. Miles meets the clone and thinks that the Ultimates were replacing him and is NOT happy.

-His health steadily declines and keeps getting worse, and the Ultimates in their concern keep putting more pressure on Miles to open up. Eventually, he snaps - again - and goes on a crusade to take down the rest of Hydra

-Hydra, however, is pretty much dead at this point. He finally kills the remaining bits of it but believes his efforts to be beyond useless.

-He has a big cry and eventually realises that yeah, he kinda needs help

-Goes back, makes amends, and starts on the road to recovery

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sparkstar-trash), my [Discord](https://discord.gg/5QTeNY2) server or send me a question on [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/sparkstar)!
> 
> ~
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. I invite and appreciate feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction  
>   
> I reply to all comments unless you want to whisper. For any reason, if you don't want to have me reply (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


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